Botox Day 1

Waiting in the doctor's office to take my repeated stabbing, I was very nervous. Not because I thought it would hurt, but because I was worried it might not work. I chatted nervously with the lady who was prepping for my treatment. She reassured me several times that it would work.

When the injections began, both women (doctor and assistant) stood over me holding my head and the needles as I sat in a chair. Aside from the slight prick of the tiny needles, I felt fine. That is........until she got to the back of my head. As she put the needle in the bottom of my skull, I could hear and feel the liquid going in. I'm not sure why it affected me the way it did, but I started feeling nauseous. Suddenly, the two women who were helping me seemed to be looming over me. I felt hot, anxious, and trapped because I knew there were about a dozen injections to go. Luckily the women asked over and again if I was ok and noticed immediately that I was not. One grabbed a trash can and then they both helped me onto an exam table to lay down and level out my blood pressure. They finished the injections with me laying on the table which was somehow less intimidating. They were very supportive, telling me how well I was doing throughout the procedure and even fanning me when I was laying on the table.

I have had problems in the past with low blood pressure, which I imagine, played a larger role in my odd experience than any actual adverse reaction to the treatment. I enjoyed the rest of the day by getting a pedicure and doing some shopping. I was headache free all day which I would love to attribute to the Botox but I'm not supposed to see results for 1-2 weeks. Whether it was a placebo effect or the aftermath of my weird anxiety attack, I can't say. But either way - it has been wonderful! I do have some soreness and swelling but that is to be expected. I hope that tomorrow is half as good as today was!

Locked Inside My Head

I sometimes wonder how much of my personality is me and how much is a reaction to the ache. When I was a young girl reading "To Kill a Mockingbird," I loved loud music and screaming along at the top of my lungs. I was full of energy and loved being in crowds of people. I never would have imagined that I would come to identify with Mrs. Dubose. She was a loner who was mean and hateful to everyone because of her constant pain. I've learned to control the anger that comes with the headaches....mostly. What I don't know how to handle is my recent feeling of desperation. In one week, I will try botox. It is a neurotoxin supposed to kill the neurons responsible for reporting pain. I can only hope it will work. If not, at least my dog will be here to sneeze all over my face when I get sad. (Like he just did ) :)

Everyone is affected......

I've always been the kind of person who likes to see how things work. I find cause and effect interesting especially when it comes to human behavior. Since the economy has been in a downward spiral the last couple of years, I try to look for the differences that have resulted. I've noticed lots of ways that companies have cut back. The magazines that I receive are half the size they used to be. Many companies have shrunk their portions or cheapened their ingredients in an attempt to remain competitive. Another approach to keep consumers returning has been to offer exceptional deals that would have been unheard of 3 years ago. Some have tried offering free items with little or no purchase required, while others have created cheaper options or significantly reduced the prices of regular items. Obviously, not all of the cutbacks have been bad. I've enjoyed many of the perks of the recession. As a matter of fact, the house we bought this year would have been way out of our price range if the housing market was running as usual. Looking at all of the benefits of the downed economy it almost seems as if, as long as you still have a job, the only negative thing is that the magazines are smaller. I wish this were the case. The truth of the matter is that something very disturbing is happening behind all of the clever product marketing. Corporations have lost their appreciation for their loyal employees. The current rate of unemployment has created a stalemate for those still working. We can't complain about our mistreatment because "at least we still have jobs." Companies are cutting benefits, increasing employee insurance contribution, discontinuing retirement programs, freezing or decreasing wages, all while demanding increased performance in positions where there are less people to shoulder the normal responsibility. It used to be that employers wanted to treat their employees well because they didn't want to lose us to another company. But with the unemployment force supersaturated, there are 10 people waiting to fill your shoes. Not to mention, where else would we go? There are currently little to no job opportunities out there. Five years ago the company I worked for appreciated the work that I did. They made sure that I knew I was an asset to the company's future. This is no longer true. With the current, "cut out whatever expenses that we can" attitude, I am nothing more than one more check they have to write at the end of the week. I have become a burden. Instead of them appreciating the work that I do, I am suppose to be thankful for the favor they have granted me. I never realized how much pride I took in doing a good job and the respect that came along with it, until it disappeared.

The best of times

When I was in high school, people were always telling me that these were the best years of my life. I never believed them. I'm glad that I was right and they were wrong.
Here are some things I thought were fun and cool when I was a teenager:

• Being as loud and obnoxious as possible.
• Making everything more dramatic than it is.
• Drinking and talking about it so that everyone could hear.
• Skipping school or classes.
• Pretending to be stupid.
• Avoiding sleep unless it was day time
• Proclaiming that everything is stupid

Now when I look over this list, I'm astonished about a few things. First of all, that these things could have ever seemed cool or fun. Second, that these things not only seemed cool to me but are practically the cool list for all teens. Third, that others could actually believe that a time like this could be the best I would have.

Many people keep reliving their teenage years and dread aging. I am not one of those people. Each year of my life I learn to accept myself and appreciate being me. I am free to enjoy the uncool things.

Here are some things that I am free to enjoy now that I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm cool:

• Reading
• Writing
• Arithmetic (Ok, that one is just a joke =D)
• Gardening
• Decorating
• Having coffee with friends
• Learning new things
• Spending time with family
• Appreciating babies and children

Most people now tell me that my enjoyment of aging will stop once I get old enough. I think they're wrong too but we'll see. ; )

Buster

Buster
Watching his chest move up and down knowing that each time could be the last time it raises. Feeling a mixture of guilt, odd curiousity, and sadness. Guilty because I hope that each breath was the last one. Just pass on and let go. End the pain and the suffering. The odd curiousity forces me to stare because the sickness has affected your entire body. Weighing only 98 lbs because the cancer has eaten away the rest. Skin sags from the bones in your arm and I wonder how there are any muscles left to lift it but you keep waving. His face has sunken in and I can barely remember what it once looked like. How can this skeleton have once been a person? The sheet is held up by your rib bones and sinks in the valley that once was your stomach. He hasn't walked in weeks or maybe even months because his feet have begun to rot. Blackened arches and toes surrounded by thick layers of flaking skin. Did the cancer cause that or is it because you've been unable to take care of yourself for so long? Bittersweet sadness when he's waving but doesn't know where he is or who we are. His smile lights up the room now but the pain should not have gone on this long. I'm not sure who the morphine is helping more - us or him. Thinking back to the person of many years ago before his own bitterness took hold; It's hard to remember but if I try really hard I can see the lawnmower in the back of your truck and we're headed to White Castle.

I wrote this blog during a tough time in my life. I did not write it because I hoped to garner sympathy, but because I thought it might be of some comfort to someone facing a similar experience.