Watching his chest move up and down knowing that each time could be the last time it raises. Feeling a mixture of guilt, odd curiousity, and sadness. Guilty because I hope that each breath was the last one. Just pass on and let go. End the pain and the suffering. The odd curiousity forces me to stare because the sickness has affected your entire body. Weighing only 98 lbs because the cancer has eaten away the rest. Skin sags from the bones in your arm and I wonder how there are any muscles left to lift it but you keep waving. His face has sunken in and I can barely remember what it once looked like. How can this skeleton have once been a person? The sheet is held up by your rib bones and sinks in the valley that once was your stomach. He hasn't walked in weeks or maybe even months because his feet have begun to rot. Blackened arches and toes surrounded by thick layers of flaking skin. Did the cancer cause that or is it because you've been unable to take care of yourself for so long? Bittersweet sadness when he's waving but doesn't know where he is or who we are. His smile lights up the room now but the pain should not have gone on this long. I'm not sure who the morphine is helping more - us or him. Thinking back to the person of many years ago before his own bitterness took hold; It's hard to remember but if I try really hard I can see the lawnmower in the back of your truck and we're headed to White Castle.
I wrote this blog during a tough time in my life. I did not write it because I hoped to garner sympathy, but because I thought it might be of some comfort to someone facing a similar experience.
Very sad and honest. Love it.
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